My Space Travels- Part 2- Going Around The Dark Side of The Moon

In part 1- Orbiting Planet Earth, I discussed my "short form version" of life growing up with Alcoholism, and also following in some dangerous footsteps with drug/alcohol abuse.  This part of the story consists of the co-dependent part of me, that most people suffer when living with active alcoholism/drug abuse of a family member/relative/partner.

First things' first, there's no easy road when having to live with active alcoholism and many of us having to deal with the addict/alcoholic feel overwhelmed, angry, fearful of our partner's behavior and chaotic in our lives.  I can say that I have suffered much of these very mirroring effects that oddly enough, the alcoholic is also going through.  Fact is that whatever the alcoholic/addict is going through, we may be suffering the same.  This is psychological, physical and emotional.

I remember my first co-dependent relationship.  I stayed in the relationship because of fear of what my partner would do to himself if I left him.  I was young and naive.  This was also a very abusive relationship.  During this relationship, I did not obsess with his behavior, but I enabled his behavior by drinking (slightly) with him instead of refusing to do so.  I left this relationship unhappy.

My marriage: A great man, caring man nonetheless, but when he proposed and the pressure of all his family surrounding me, I felt I couldn't say NO.  I felt that I didn't have a voice. I was not ready and I embarked on a mission of what some would call "I can become what he wants me to be", or, "things will get better, I have hope."... This was all a learned behavior growing up and taking care of my alcoholic parent.  He was a gamer, gambler, weekend warrior doing funnels in the garage.  I didn't really participate much in his festivities because I was trying to focus on building my photography business.  However, because I felt I could make things work, things definitely didn't seem right and I felt like the time together, was not authentic.  I felt like I was walking on eggshells when he would come home from a week/month away from work.  I ended the marriage after a strenuous time of trying to make things work and this is when I started drinking more than usual.

My last relationship was the one that topped them all.  As a co-dependent person, and being very smart, I played the detective. If you need a detective, I was the person to call. After a while, I knew he wasn't holding up his end of the bargain and all his wonderful promises.  I even knew there were red flags flying at the beginning... After a short while, drinking and boy time seemed much more important that quality time with me.  After a while, I would constantly question him on his whereabouts, and call him out when I knew he was lying.  I was a control freak, yet another learned behavior growing up.  I drove myself nutty by the end of this relationship.. I still feel I left this relationship out of fear for my life, and everything that I had built, was torn away because I put his addictions first and his needs first.  Boy did I ever let myself be manipulated.  So, after three examples of co-dependent behavior, I am sure you can relate somehow...Now you ask, what to do?

I remember the first time I attended an Al-Anon meeting; I was frantic, crying frantic, I was unmanageable.  That's the thing, you get to a point where you feel you lost everything, including your dignity....  I was sick, skinnier than I've ever been, frustrated by his behavior, embarrassed by my behavior and dealing with my life.  I'm sure all my friends were sick of me too at some point.

I was so happy to learn about Al-Anon and finding myself through their program.  I have left that life behind now, creating new boundaries for myself so I do not allow.

The hardest part in dealing with alcoholism is detaching with love.  Sometimes, this just simply means detaching from THEIR situation but still being able to love them, and some other times, this means completely detaching.  YOU pretty much have to come to accept that you are powerless over their addiction/behavior.

This is how it goes:
The 3 "C's":
You didn't Cause the disease
You can't Cure the person
You can't Control it.


boy did things get chaotic up until the end.

Sometimes, my partners would know exactly what to say to piss me off, just to be able to leave and keep up with their behavior...Now, with lots of self work, I've learned how to respond instead of reacting on automatic feelings.  This isn't easy especially on the battle frontline.  This is when you breathe....Breathing is important :)

When you detach with love, you are actually separating the disease from the person.  Not only that, you are allowing the person in question the chance to live their own lives while you keep yourself active and busy in your own.  Because, in all reality, we are free to live our OWN lives.    It is ok to feel feelings and to mention your feelings, but be cautious of WHEN to mention these feelings....We all know we can't reason with a drunk....I'm sure we can all agree that at some point in time, we had a few and someone was trying to reason with us and it didn't fly, right? haha....

"What's my business?", is what you must ask....What can I do to make my SELF happy? Remember you cannot cure your loved one, and you should DEFINITELY NOT enable their behavior in any way.  What I mean by not enabling is:
 not offering beer
not going to buy their beer
not drinking along with them.
or anything that would make you upset from their drinking/abuse

 If you enable, you go against your own boundaries and your own feelings towards the disease.  This would be like disciplining a child and then going back on your word.. That is detachment from the problem.  You don't have to hate the person, you can hate the disease.  The best thing I can suggest for those who are in this type of situation, would be to find a great support group in your area of people that are going through the same as you; every city worldwide has a list of Al-Anon meetings, it's up to you to attend.   I am grateful they have these types of meetings because I would have allowed myself to go further down a disasterous spiral of depression.

A great tool that was offered to me was the following when you have to express your feelings.. It's called the WIN Technique...
When you (insert action)
I feel (express YOUR feeling)
I need you to (express your request)

Also, never hold expectations, because you are setting yourself up for disaster.  Only hold your own expectations of yourself.

Since I left my last relationship, I have been much more clear-minded, happy, not completely financially stable, but I'm taking it one day at a time.  I played a lot of music on the streets to let go with love.  Even though I couldn't love this person the way he needed to be loved, I brought the love I had for him everywhere I went.  This was my way of coping and it proved successful for my SELF and my needs.  I also met some very amazing people last summer that I am truly grateful to have been graced with their presence and their amazing light and advice.I'm doing things that are feel good, learning how to meditate, and sharing my experiences with others that need the support.  Don't ever feel you are alone, because you aren't.

Much love and light to you all in "cyber-land",

Andrea
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PS...Some great books to help you along that proved useful would be:
In The Meantime-Finding Yourself and The Love You Want by Iyanla Vanzant
Self Matters Companion (2 books-red and gold) by Dr. Phil, hard work if you are up to the challenge and honest about your feelings and life......

Cheers

My Space Travels- Part 1- Orbiting Planet Earth

This is a short form story of my life to raise awareness and also to provide a sense of hope to all those who have lived through and experienced generations of alcoholism/drug abuse in their families.  I write this with honesty, love and also courage for those in the world who are also and/or have felt the same.

Many people grow up feeling alone in their thoughts or feeling like there's a big elephant lurking in their family livingrooms.  Watching their parents, siblings suffer from alcoholism and not understanding that it is a disease.  Many people that see this growing up feel that they are the reasons why their parents, loved ones drank.  This is not the case under any circumstances.  

Most people drink to let loose, to escape from insecurities, to escape from reality, the excuses can continue on....I can honestly say I am not perfect in any sense and I feel I have gone around the Earth (seeing family alcholism and repeating the same as my parent, generations...) and also circling around the dark side of the Moon (seeking help for co-dependency because I loved someone so much I was trying to fix them and lost my SELF in the process).  I have been on many ups and downs.  

I have been sober for over a year, I have been sober from chemical drugs for over 12-13 years, and I have been pot free for over 2 months, becoming a more authentic ME.   

With that said, I recently took part in an Al-Anon based 12 day Family Program for Co-Dependency.  I am here to share my experience with you, but before I can, you must know how I came to this point and how and what I've done to continue on my journey through this awesome life.

I was born in a mining town, northern Ontario.  Like the good old Stompin' Tom song goes, "the girls are out to Bingo and the guys are getting stinko", a motto for most industry workers, as generations pass from one to the next. I'm sure my forefathers were alcoholics, then the parents became alcoholics and the kids become worse with drugs and alcohol.  It's a vicious cycle.   My parents divorced when I was very young.  I saw lots of drinking growing up after that. Most of the time, I was left alone, to fend for myself while my parent was out drinking.  Sometimes, they would bring me to a family restaurant while they drank.  At the time, being so young, it seemed normal, right? Shirley Temples were awesome.  This continued on, over the years, up until about almost 2 years ago with this parent. They have quit now and are rebuilding their love for life and making amends. I'm proud.  I can recount the many times that I felt alone, or hiding behind my teddy bears because I couldn't bear the sound of my parent being hung over, hugging the almighty throne.  This is probably WHY to this day, I cannot stand people vomiting or the sound of it. I grew up being the nerd, the one people picked on, the loser. I never had many friends but always seemed to find my independence through all the loneliness. 

I was 17 when I lost my grandfather, it was shortly before I went to college.  He was my rock, I really looked up to him. I was about to enroll in the graphics design program because I really enjoyed art. I went on a downward spiral, using exstacy, pot, shrooms, crystal. This went on for about a year, every weekend, partying in 1999-2000.  By 2001, I had quit doing drugs.  The thing that led me to quit is hearing about a dear friend almost dying from their experience and I wondered to myself, "what the hell am I doing?"....really, who was I fooling? My parents were worried and I was lying to them, I was getting skinny, I was a mess.  This was the first time I hit a low point.  I had dropped out of college, my grades were showing how much partying was important, I was financially unstable and I made many mistakes in relationships and bad decisions putting my life in danger.  I quit cold turkey.  It was hard to distance myself from EVERYONE I knew, even my best friend.  This is the only way you can get better, is to distance yourself from the situations that drags you down the spiral.  I still smoked pot after that but at least I was off the rest of everything.  

I moved a lot, just as much as my age. I'm 31, if you can put that into perspective, that's insane.  I ask myself now, "what the hell was I running from?"...the hard answer? myself!   

I quit drinking over a year ago because I started realizing that my drinking was not helping my relationship (enabling behavior) at the time and I saw that their drinking was self-abusive, manipulative.  I made poor choices within this relationship as well.  I felt my life was unmanageable and that I was done with the "shitshow", so to speak.

This is when I decided that change was needed.  I started attending Al-Anon meetings to understand myself, and how my drinking was affecting my life, how drinking affected my family growing up, and how to help myself. I will talk about this all in Part 2- Coming Around The Darkside of the Moon.  

It's hard to write an "in a nutshell" version when I can write a 5 book novel on my whole entire life thus far.  

I never attended AA, but for anyone that is interested in quitting drinking, there's programs worldwide with amazing support if you are up to a challenge to experience a better quality of life.  All you need to do is do a google search for your area and you will find the answers you are looking for.  Know that you are not alone, many people suffer the same and it's amazing how much we can relate to other's experiences.  

I understand now how alcoholism is a disease, caused by an internal factor (depression, lack of self confidence, etc) and the drink/drugs is the external release.  

I am a people watcher and it's amazing even after one drink how a person can change.  Don't believe me? Stay sober one night while the rest of your friends drink and you will see for yourself that you won't want to be around them, you may even feel slightly annoyed.  So, I asked myself..How did I look after a few beers, shots etc?  Like a f**n fool. hah.  I'll spare you the embarrassing stories, I'm sure we all have our own.  I also ask myself WHY I drank?  My answer is because I didn't have confidence, or I was depressed and didn't know that I can simply talk to someone or that I can choose to pay my bills instead of drinking a case of beer.  

If you quit drinking, you'll notice how many people really support you and those who were just around because you were a drop off place to have a beer.  That's ok, keep the support close and the bad ones far away, at least for the meantime. 

I quit pot almost 2 months ago and I feel amazing with only cigarettes to quit (which is coming real soon).  I'm taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time, really smelling the roses. 

My part two, I will talk about co-dependency and how to become a stronger person when you are involved in a relationship with someone under the influence, or family alcoholism.  I wished I knew about all the support a long time ago, but it's never too late to get started.  

With much love and light,

Andrea